Thursday, 19 November 2009

• The Warm Beers of Africa...

  So.... i promised this post to several people more than a month ago.... :S oops....
  
  The warm beers of africa.... This may not be a s quirky as the kikuyu mama's one... cos... well.. i've been away from that life for over a month now and it's slowly turning into a good dream... one that fades even when you don't want it to....
  
  Why do the beefy men in Kenya (and other african countries apparently) like warm beer????? those pot bellies got there through all the nyam chom and beer obviously... but WARM beer???? that is quite scary....
  Ewwwwww... the thought of a waaarm beeer.... eeeewwwwww.... groooossssss
  
  This post is not really meant for a discussion on warm beer though.... i already ranted about it on the other one.... this post.... this post is about the wonderous art of butt wiggling (something which is incomprehensible to the japanese mind....)
  It really is quite mind boggling... whether you're watching this art at the Bomas (cultural dance centre thingy place...)... where they're actually shaking their butts in your face... or you're stuck in sweltering traffic and just watching the giggling mama's walk buy with buckets balancing on their heads.... it's like... WOOOOOOW.... lol... seriously though....
  watch an asian walk.... 1. they don't have an ass (something betty made VERY clear to me in the the almost 2 decades that i have known her....) 2. I think i have in my life only ever seen samantha manage to wiggle an asian butt... hahahaha.... it just...WON'T MOVE..... hahahahahah.....
  and you know when you go to like.... a nice hotel... or like... to a hotel in the bundus.... you get those kenyan nights.... where there's dancers... and they're wearing matching kangas.... and they have that one extra one tied on with like.... literally a tail hanging off..... and then.. that tail begins to spin..... O.o.... HOW.
  ahaha
  This kinda reminded me of the bit in bruno where the p*nis is spinning.... kinda like that... except... less explicit... (i hated that movie btw)
  but yeah....
  HOWWWWWWWWW??????
  wowwwwwwwww
  i also heard from someone somewhere.... that africans have one extra... or more prominent (i think the latter sounds more promising) vertebrae.... and so they can do some fancy swivelling shizzle... hahahahaha.... i think it was something along the lines of asians have that bone hidden closer to their pelvis... that's why they also have a flat bum....
  
  
  anyway... ya.... it's a physical diff.... that's why we can nay do the bum wiggle...
  
  but seriously.... if you're japanese.... you realise it even more... :) especially when the tie and dye (refer to kikuyu mama post) falls exactly with the bulls eye on the butt.... or even better.... a bulls eye on EACH butt cheek.... :)
  and when the dress is like.... luminous orange.... and the tie and dye circles are WHITE... you can't help but stare...
  
  
  will finish this later... comp is about to crash...

  • 7:39 PM
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• The Kikuyu Mama's Day Out 02/10/09

  (i really am quite the quirky person sometimes! and i still owe the world a post on bums and warm beers... :S)
  
  
  The end of another sizzling day... and here comes the weekend...
  And whilst sitting in traffic... what came to mind was the colourful array of tie'n'dye frocks that'll be lining the streets early on sunday morning... the kenyan mama's sunday best...
  It's little things like these that i find myself missing when i'm away from home... things like these that i only find... here...
  These outrageously brightly coloured outfits with impeccable detail (like insanely puffed sleeves... and tie dye patterns that fall perfectly on each butt cheek....), which, on me, or many others for that matter, would look like a pantomime costume, suddenly look normal... here.... under the sun.... on these big bottomed women... and together with those massive sleeves/ coiled headdress... the ever-so-normally-hanging-out pink silky petticoat, i always wonder... from what kind of selection did that mama pick out THAT particular dress?? were they all just as brilliantly coloured??
  Another question I have never managed to answer for myself... or at least answer until satisfied.... is...why.... why, after spending all that time choosing that luminous orange dress.... must mama coordinate the outfit with a baseball cap? not just a baseball cap... a safaricom... or a mater hospital... or a mumias sugar baseball cap!? and the shoes??? shiny, squeaky clean.... sneakers...
  hmm...
  whichever way... off to church she goes...
  I miss driving home from a nice sunday lunch or something... and pointing out the strange and wonderous outfitted woman walking down the street... the one with the tie dye bulls eye placed directly over her bum... which seems to wiggle miraculously (well... to a japanese person... butt wiggling is... MIRACULOUS.... but that is another story... for another time...) only to find her turn into our house... only to find... that she is indeed our resident kikuyu mama....
  
  Another thing i miss about home... ROYCO... love it or hate it... it is everwhere... every stew... every... well... stew... ROYCO... that distinct taste... I had a craving for it when i got back... my first lunch when i got back... on request... was... boga and chapati's... marvellously flavoured with my beloved... ROYCO.... i intend to take a supply of it back to the uk with me... so i can share the wonders of that powder....
  
  The sun was hot today.... love that feeling... the feeling when it feels like your skin is sizzling... (as bad and cancerous as it may be...) the feeling where everything is... warm....
  
  which brings me to another question about... well... home... that... i still can't understand...
  why is it... when you go to a restaurant... on a hot day like today.. (okay... by this restaurant i mean a local hoteli... lol... not like... java... or... well.... you know... LOCAL) and you order a soda.. or a beer... do they HAVE to ask you... "baridi ama moto?" MOTO?! a HOT day... and you're askin if i want a warm soda??? eughhh.... the thought of warm soda makes me feel ill... in the west... you always hear about "ice cold beers"... beer.. or soda... is meant to be cold... or so i thought... until i realised.. that hey... maybe not... what a wonderfully different culture i live in... but seriously... if all the waiters ask this same question.... there MUST be people who LIKE warm beers.... O.o *woozy*
  
  anyway.... bed time nowww....
  xxxxxx

  • 5:42 PM
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• It was Gpie's BIRTHDAAAYYYY!!!!

  For G-Boob the G-Force who is G-sized which makes her SUPA-G!!!!!
  
  Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go shawty,
  It's your birthday,
  
  Girl you know I, girl you know I...
  Birthday SEX.... Birthday SEX...
  It's the best day of the year girl...
  
  I know that....
  Shawty wanna thug,
  She said lick like a lollipop,
  You, your sex is on fire,
  
  BUT
  
  Take a look at the girl next door,
  She's a player and a down right bore,
  Live your life until love is found,
  Or love's gonna get you down!
  
  
  yeah.... so in other words... go out... have a blast... enjoy your birthday... rather than staying in and having... well... *cough*
  
  lol....
  
  Anyhowzerrrr mate, Haaaapy Birthday toooo youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu! :D
  I just wanted to say... everyone is beautiful... if you squint a bit... you are beautiful... even without the squinting and the inch thick glasses.... :) aaah... how nice of meee...
  I am dedicating this blog session to you... just so you can have a WHOLE NOTE dedicated to you, learning from my wise words... boooyeaaaahhhh...
  Turning 19 (omg you baaaaby (you'll never not be called a baby so get used to it)) is a biiiiiiig deal... lol... you will no longer be a teen in 365 days from now... ok? good... so you need to learn learn learn and learn all you can from me... hahaha
  
  Life lesson number 1.
  Don't bother wasting time on people who don't like you....
  No point in trying.... they must not like you for a reason... so... no point... hahaha
  
  Life lesson number 2.
  If you lost your left arm... your right arm would be left...
  just thought you should know... you know, get your right and left sorted.... I'm sure that would be imprtant if you were to become a doctor... hmm...
  
  Life lesson number 3.
  It doesn't matter what temperature the room is.... it'll still be room temperature...
  this is just in case you get confused what temperature room temperature REALLY is...
  
  Life lesson number 4.
  Life is a sexually transmitted disease.
  Now you'll think of THAT when ur next... well.... doing...whatever... LIIIIFEEE....
  
  Life lesson number 5.
  One good turn get's most of the blankets...
  BUT.. of course... you already know that... seeming as you are a HOGGER.... lol.... i joke.
  
  Life lesson number 6.
  Time flies... after you hit the snooze button...
  So..... beware.... the day of ur exam.... oh... time really flies then...
  
  Life lesson number 7.
  Well behaved women rarely make history...
  BUT... once again... we know you're not well behaved so i guess i didn't have to teach you that...
  
  Life lesson number 8.
  You can tell the quality of a person by how they treat people they don't need...
  so this KIND of is hypocriical to life number 1. you must not bother with those you don't like... BUT... don't be a complete and utter bitch i guess is the story... haha
  
  Life lesson number 9.
  We can never see ourselves as others see us.... even a mirror shows us in reverse...
  just in case you get confused when ur trying on a complicated dress or something... but in a more serious context... dont think you know yourselfffff.... hahaha... wtf...
  
  Life lesson number 10.
  It is your birthday today.
  (just in case)
  
  
  
  So georgeface.... Hope you had a LOVELY day... i miiiissss you looooads.... aaaand... you are the greatest.... friend, buddy, amigo... you name it... you ARE it!! hahaha....
  
  let me leave you with a wonderful quote (or 2) from my driving instructor...
  ~"whenever you are approaching a tree (when driving) expect it to fall on you..." uh... yeah...
  ~"if you are driving along a river... or a cliff... and you are kissing kissing your ka-boyfriend... and then you fall off that cliff??? si ni shauri yako.... ni shauri ya?? YAKO." (you may not understand the end...)
  
  
  LOVEYOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
  xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
  
  goodnight world,

  • 5:40 PM
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• This is the end to a questionnaire...

  now... to leave you with a few comments from this morning's lesson..
  "what is this road sign?"
  ~"potholes ahead"
  lmao
  ~"give or stop way" "uh... do you mean stop or give way?"
  lmao again
  "what is a trunk road?"
  ~"a big road"
  ~"a road where you can drive vehicles with a boot."
  wtf!? HAHAHAH
  aaaah.. i'm beginning to enjoy these lessons!
  
  xxxx

  • 5:40 PM
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• 15th September

  
  Ooooh laar~!
  today was fun!! :)
  although my shoulder is kind of sore.. (i think half of the pain is psychological though... cos there is no mark or nothing... :P) from being scratched by that cheetah cub... :S can you get rabies?! i'm sure they're vaccinated right!? :S hahahaha oh well... if i get sick... we know why...
  
  i wanna go into the wild somewhere... nakuru... kitengela? hummm.... oh well... it's all dry... even today.... everything felt... dry.... brown.... dusty... no grass anywhere... and the heat... was... O.o... like... on my way to karen in the afternoon... it was... sweltering... HOT. almost like a sauna... no... an oven.... like... the heat that hits you when you open the oven door... like the heat you feel when you put your hand inside an oven to check if it's hot..... omg... but it was nice... defnitately something you don't get... up there...
  
  aaah... suki... i passed the exhauster i was telling you about today... the one called "orgasmic"... i also saw the usual "honeysucker"... ah fun... why!? i dunno...
  i also heard a story about some family's house boy called "Muzungu" (white man in swahili) i laughed... i had met "precious" before... and a "gracious"... and a... "chastity"..... but muzungu!?? lol..
  
  omg...
  i was told at AA today... "when approaching a tree while driving... expect it to fall on you." excuse me!? ha... and the girl that was there with me was like... so what happens if ur driving down a tree lined street? "well... you ave t be sure none of them are falling on you"..... you MUST be kidding me... and the rest of the "lesson" i couldn't quite figure cos it was all in swa... i understood mainly the jist of things... but yeah.... what a lesson... i'm so sick of them... it's just becoming such a waste of time an energy... -_____-
  
  went to HSS today.... it's CHANGED... it'shard to believe we've only been gone... a year... everything is different... everyone is different... my goodness... it was wierd...
  it was good seeing salim though... you've grown!!! lol...
  and ms... no... sally... :) and grace... :) aaaaah... it was good to be back... until i realised i didn't recognise the majority of people.... -_____-
  
  
  ah well.. maybe i'll write a bit more later... but i'm too sleepy now... ZZZzzzzz
  
  xxx

  • 5:38 PM
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